The Day the Twinkie Died

Really not that long ago
I can still remember how that pastry used to make me smile

And I know if I had one more
In its wrapper it would store
And maybe I’d have no cravings for awhile
But those confectioners made me shiver
With every picket sign they quivered
Bad news on the Facebook
I couldn’t take one more look
I can’t remember if I cried
When I read that Hostess turned upside
But something rumbled deep inside
The day the Twinkie died

[Chorus]
Bye, bye yellow creme-filled delight
Tried a Little Debbie, but it wasn’t quite right
Them union boys were sounding frisky and wry
Singing this’ll be the end of our strike
This’ll be the end of our strike

Did you bake your cake with lovin’?
And do you have faith in convection ovens
if the cookbook tells you so?
Do you believe in yellow dough?
Can frosting make your tastebuds grow?
And can you show me how to set the temp real low?
Well I know that you’ve been holding back
‘Cause I saw you hide some in the shack
You tore that plastic wrap
Man I dig those snack attacks
I was a lonely, mid-aged, balding schmuck
With some bright pink Sno-Balls I bought two-a-buck
But I knew I was out of luck the day the Twinkie died

I started singing… [Chorus]

Now for one day we’ve been on our own
And mold won’t grow on that yellow scone
‘Cause it’s all sorbic acidy
The Hostess baked for the king and queen
In an apron cadged from Paula Deen
And some flour that came from you and me
And while the king was chowing down
The Hostess stole his doughy crown
The kitchen was upturned,
But no crumbs were returned
And while Greenspan wrote a book on Rand
The union tried to force their hand
And Hostess sold her carefree brand
The day the Twinkie died

We started singing… [Chorus]

Rayburn’s concern, economic downturn
The Fed can’t afford to make another wrong turn
Trillions spent and sinking fast
It smashed and landed in the trash
Cashiers forgot to handle cash
With shoppers in express lanes holding their stash
Now, the holidays were coming soon
Grocery stores played their merry tunes
Hostess wanted to finance
Oh, but they never got the chance
‘Cause when the bakers tried to mix their yeast
Labor talks became diseased
And output soon came to a cease
The day the Twinkie died

And they were singin’… [Chorus]

And there we were in a coup de grace
A baker’s dozen out of space,
With no time to preheat again
So come on, make them fluffy, make them thick
But don’t dare try to use Bisquick
‘Cause Betty Crocker’s owned by General Mills
And as I watched them blend and whisk
Their hands were clenched round stirring sticks
No baker born in France could forge that golden lance
As smokestacks stayed cold through the night
Taunting workers within sight
I saw Hillshire laughing with delight
The day the Twinkie died

And they were singing… [Chorus]

I met a girl with one last cake
I asked her if I might partake
But she just smiled and chewed away
And I went down to the corner store
Where I bought some Twinkies days before
But the man there showed me bare displays
And in the streets the children munched
The lovers gnawed, and the poets crunched
But not a mouth was open
The vacuum seals all were broken
And the three treats I desired most
CupCakes, Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos
Followed the footsteps of New Coke
The day the Twinkie died

And they were singin’…[Chorus]

---

In case it’s not obvious, this is parody of the original song — which is universally loved despited being filled with inscrutable allusions and half-understood turns of phrase, much like the creme-y center of a Twinkie.

Update: Made a few word-choice tweaks and fixed typos.